Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Day 3

My sweetie left this past Monday early morning. This is Day 3. I'm already having a hard time. The worst parts for me are falling asleep at night and first thing in the morning.

For our 4 years together, we've spent almost every day and night together with the exception of business trips and family travel. We've each done opposite coast summer internships (3 months) and that was the longest apart. I get antsy after 4 weeks and go insane after 8 weeks. The only way I know how to deal with having a bi-coastal relationship while I finish my PhD is for us to see each other in person every 4 to 6 weeks. I'm going out for Thanksgiving and staying a week.

I have an extremely hard time with change, even when the direction of the change is positive. Part of what scares me is how deeply lonely I feel and how much I miss him. I know that this is a temporary phase in life and I am trying to deal with it as best I can. As a natural workaholic, I am keeping myself busy with work. But... there are moments when it is quite and my head clears, and I feel so alone.

My sweetie tells me over and over again that we are just a text, email, phone call, or plane ride apart. I do know this to be true. I think being with him every day and night and working with him makes this even harder. There are no more random hugs during the workday when no one else is looking. No pats on my head walking in and out of the door to check on things.

The deep loneliness is a clear indication that my depression looms strongly. For me, my depression has never gone away, but the opportunities for it to raise its head in the last 4 years has been few and far between. For the past two mornings and nights, I feel it there.

This distance is the strongest motivator I had to finish and finish quickly. I've drafted two proposals on previous dissertation topics, and started my third and hopefully final on Monday. I am trying to write every day. By next week, I want to have the motivation chapter complete as I have several important meetings which will decide if this is indeed the topic I will defend. *fingers crossed*

PS. While writing this tonight, my sweetie called. I do feel much better, but during the call, I recognized the possibility of my depression relapsing. I am fighting as best I can. I think I will starting going to the gym again; it helps me relieve stress, clear my mind, and sleep more soundly at night. Does anyone have any other ideas for fending off a relapse?

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